


Butterfly

by neeash



Category: Free!
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Barista! Sousuke, Cafe AU, Depression, Eating Disorders, Fluff and Angst, I'm Bad At Tagging, M/M, Panic Attacks, Sad, makoharu - Freeform, reigisa - Freeform, sorry rin, sourin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-23
Updated: 2016-10-02
Packaged: 2018-05-28 16:29:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6336178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neeash/pseuds/neeash
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He wanted big, beautiful wings like a butterfly, so he could fly away from everything and anything. </p><p>Matsuoka Rin was hurting everyday, whether it was physical or emotional pain, everything just hurt and he willed it to end. Until, perhaps he came across a tall, teal-eyed barista who he found had warm, comforting hands. </p><p>*** I'm so bad at summaries, I apologise! Anyway, this is a story about Rin being in an abusive relationship with Seijuro (sorry not sorry) and then he meets angel-like Sousuke and things happen. There is going to be a suffocating amount of angst so prepare yourself! But it will get fluffy in the end, I think.  ***</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Butterfly

Chapter One – Begrudge

Matsuoka Rin watched the toned chest of his boyfriend rise up and down, mirroring the hammering of his heart as he silently tore away from the covers, the dip of the mattress inflating from the spot he lay in. With precision, he inaudibly manoeuvred around the room, retrieving his clothes before entering the bathroom to freshen up.

Violet, sunken rings enveloped the hollow red eyes that stared back at him in a languid motion through the mirror. There wasn’t the slightest speck of life within them considering there wasn’t anything to invigorate him. He gingerly removed his pieces of clothing, biting down with sharp teeth in order to somewhat ignore the bursts of pain littered on his body, that triggered from the contact. 

Last night was hell. 

Dragging himself underneath the showerhead, Rin winced at the continuous stream of heat running over his undulating frame, as he recalled snippets of events that happened yesterday. His body shuddered at the image of his boyfriend imprinting it with the substantial amount of pressure to leave bruises. The way his arms constricted around him in a barricade as his mouth latched upon his own, pulling at his pink locks of hair to keep him steady. 

Despite Rin’s apologies for being useless and insatiable, his boyfriend hadn’t conceded his pleas and therefore carried on with his abuse, whether that was verbal or physical. Least to say, Rin felt sore all over. 

After the quick shower and session of brushing teeth, Rin tiptoed passed the bedroom and downstairs towards the kitchen, where he automatically set out to make breakfast. He made sure the pancakes were fluffy and that the maple syrup hadn’t smeared anywhere, before pouring himself a mug of unsweetened, black coffee. 

Readying himself to wash up, his fingers froze on the tap’s handle when he heard the familiar thumps of footsteps bounding down the stairs. In a rapid motion, Rin wiped his hands on his apron of any residue, double-checking to see if he had set out the bowl of berries on the table. 

“Good morning, Seijuro-san.”

With a short yawn, Seijuro sauntered over to him, leaning down to ruffle his hair and kiss his cheek. “Morning, Rin. Oh, don’t start that, just sit and eat with me.”

“Ah y-yeah!” Rin responded with a light flush darkening his cheeks, complying his order happily. 

It always caught him off guard when he was treated kindly by Seijuro-san. The behaviour was so different- so normal. Therefore it gave him strands of hope that inevitably turned to the dreaded reality he was forced to face. He hated it. 

Seijuro’s eyes sparkled as he gulped down a chunk of bloated pancake coated in sticky, yellow liquid. “Oh Rin, these are amazing!”

Pride and joy rushed through him in continuous waves as the praise reverberated in his ears. His fingers tightened around his cup of blistering hot coffee, a full-fledged smile on display. “Th-thank you Seijuro-san. I’m glad you like it.”

The silence between their short duration of conversations was discomforting and unnerved Rin who constantly glanced at his built boyfriend and then at his own lacerated fingers. He had a bad habit of gnawing at his indented nails and layers of skin wrapping themselves around his phalanges. Rin tended to tear at the skin with his sharp incisors until beads of bright red blood splotched the pale surface, and consequently formed scabs he inevitably picked at later. Such tendencies were usually akin to nervousness or even fear, relating to him perfectly. 

After Seijuro had finished, Rin instantly sprouted from the edge of his seat, discarding his half empty mug and settling himself closer to the taller man, anticipating the next sequence of interactions. He motioned for him to beckon towards him, pressing on the smaller boy’s protruding hipbone as he enclosed him into his chest with the other arm. A fresh scent of citrus masked the stench of sex he had smelt on him the previous night, a smell that encased him to let him know that he was owned. 

“I- I have my job in the evening today,” Rin informed his boyfriend softly, clasping the ends of his loose tie and knotting it immaculately. “So I won’t be back until late- and um well I was thinking if I could see my sister-“

In an instant, encompassing fingers constricted his own in an unbreakable grasp, the fingerprints staining his pale skin with dark pink ovals. Rin released an inaudible whimper, cowering back into himself considering there was no one else to fall back on. He should have never bought it up. 

“For fuck’s sake Rin, what’d I tell you about your family,” Seijuro’s eyes darkened as his voice deepened into a low, almost taunting shout. A reminder, perhaps. “They don’t give a fuck about you, remember that it was me who stood by you. I’m the only one you need.”

Despite the intensity of the grip around his hand had been reduced through the relinquishing of energy by Seijuro’s response, Rin could feel the tight air enveloping him, warping him until maybe there was nothing left. “I-I’m sorry Seijuro-san… I just haven’t seen h-her for a-a-“

Hot, awaiting droplets of moisture ran down his cheeks, washing away his words that came out in splutters. He cursed inwardly for crying in front of him. He hated the fact that Seijuro could witness his weak, useless, defenceless state. He hated himself for everything. 

By now, Seijuro had released him and stepped back, almost warily. Straightening out his suit, he glanced over at his over-emotional partner. “Hey, come on stop crying. Look, when I come back, we’ll watch one of your stupid romance films and order pizza. Just call the library and tell them you’re sick, one day won’t hurt them.”

Not having the energy to voice out his response, Rin nodded in agreement, wiping his damp face with the sleeve of his oversized t-shirt, wanting nothing but to somewhat evaporate into it. With a sniffle, he forced himself to crack a small smile, feeling it quiver from time to time. 

“Ha-have a nice day Seijuro-san.”

“Yeah, well just stop fucking crying all the time and maybe I’ll have one,” Seijuro sighed, running a bulging hand through his stark red hair. “Anyway, you better be on your best behaviour when I get back ‘n maybe you can make it up for me.”

His pale lips captured Rin’s in a tight connection, the gnawing of his teeth grazing against his flesh in a rather rough motion. Leaning back into his usual stance, Seijuro left the apartment complex without another word, leaving Rin to his eternal complications.


	2. Chapter Two - Compassion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kinda very angst- sorry not sorry >.

The door slammed shut resoundingly, the cacophonic sound pulsating through Rin’s ears as he peered at his throbbing hand through blurred eyes. Red streaks stained the lithe fingers and he cradled them to his chest, feeling his body tremble until it met with the ash wood of the floor. He leant against the wall of the kitchen table top, ignoring the discomforting surface as he cried away into the silence. 

Rin was sad. Unbearably emotional as he constantly whirled around in a state of depression, finding that there was no way out of it. He was stuck with it. Stuck with Seijuro, the only other person in his life who stood by him, apart from himself. Yet neither seemed to help him with the continuous spiral of darkness suffocating him, reeling his mind of persistent dismal thoughts that never ceased to exist. 

He just couldn’t handle it all by himself, that much he knew. 

Dragging himself up from the floor after his pensive session, Rin began to clear the table and wash up, ignoring the slight burn of the hot water on his hands. Considering that he could still physically feel bouts of pain from the injury, he concluded that it was sure to leave behind dots of bruises, which just added to the collection of possessive marks he already had. There really wasn’t an end to any of it, he thought in a dark humoured manner. 

Air drying his hands, he retreated to the bounds of the bedroom, accumulating the necessary stationery before heading back downstairs into the living room and settling his textbooks down on the table. With a sigh, he got started on planning for his book report, filling his battered copy of Wuthering Heights with numerous diminutive posts-it-notes. 

Rin was in his third and final year of University while studying English Literature, something that he found he had a knack for over his childhood years. He understood what people meant when they claimed to get lost in a book, as he had done so many times before. Mindlessly stroking the withered spine of the paperback, he momentarily closed his eyes to envision the other world where reality was but a figment of his imagination. The personal thought made him internally laugh, since his version of a dream mirrored nothing of the life he currently lived in. He wanted freedom. Sugar cookies shaped like sharks. Love… things that were ultimately deemed impossible to attain. 

Within seconds, he found himself chewing on his stubby index nail, ripping away at the keratin like it held no purpose for being there. A thin trickle of blood outlined the jagged nail as the familiar sting occupied it without a moment wasted. He sucked on it almost fervently, the taste of copper practically being the only other food he had consumed that day other than his half-drunk cup of coffee- and it was half past two. His stomach growled weakly but he couldn’t take any notice, not when his full attention was preoccupied with the new text message blaring its presence on his phone. With reluctance, Rin read it, feeling his lips crease into something that could have resembled a smile if not for the hollow gleam in his eyes. 

Gou Matsuoka – Onii-chan! What’s the best time for you today? Hayato said he really missed his uncle!

Guilt swarmed his chest as his heart tugged at the few strings it had left. It had been over a droning month since he had seen his sister and her son, Hayato and he was fearful of them forgetting about him, because then he really would have nothing. He wondered whether Gou was lying about Hayato claiming to have missed him considering he was prone to forget things quicker as he nearing three years old. The image of his nephew having no recollection of whom he identified as hurt him in ways that Seijuro never could.

“I’m sorry, Gou,” Rin whispered aloud to the empty depth of the air as he resiliently typed his response of sincere rejection.

Staring at the screen for a few seconds, the reply came in paragraphs, each of them reassuring him that she was fine with it that she didn’t mind but that they were going to meet up as soon as possible. His analytic skill depicted that his little sister was in fact thoroughly upset at his answer, which only made him feel even more contrite. Discarding his phone, Rin pulled his knees to his chest, burying his face into the gap and began to mentally curse himself for being so useless. 

Seijuro was right in that sense. He always was. Without him, Rin wouldn’t be where he was right now. He wouldn’t be studying after a two year academic gap in a frantic grasp to face reality after his father had passed away when he was nineteen. It was Seijuro who welcomed him into his arms for comfort, spending countless nights assuring him that it wasn’t his fault and that he would always be there for him. Unlike his actual family, who started to shut him out. 

Unwittingly, his mind reverted back to the memory of Gou yelling at him, blaming him for the casualty, for their father’s death while he stood there unable to deny any of it. He didn’t have the right to. Consequently his mother’s stare displayed none of the love they previously had before the accident, her eyes told him everything he needed to know. She also blamed him. Shaking his head of the past, Rin carried on with his work, pausing only to slowly crunch at an apple in order to energise him. He couldn’t eat a lot without his permission, therefore when he did a culpable feeling built up within his gut that wasn’t prone to disperse unless he confessed to eating the forbidden fruit. 

Ultimately everything fell down to Seijuro’s decision, even his own job that he called earlier to lie about how bed-ridden he was that he couldn’t come into work. If anything, Rin wanted to go and work at the bookshop, purely for the presence of the familiar, comforting people he was surrounded by; like his co-workers: Nanase Haruka, Ryugazaki Rei and Nitori Aichirrou. They were all differing from personalities yet possessed an inviting air around them, which had Rin engulfing it as a sign of friendship. Although that didn’t mean they were aware of what happened- with him and Seijuro. Rin knew it wasn’t normal, he knew that yet he couldn’t bring himself to leave causing him to abhor himself even deeper. 

Hours passed until the clock struck half seven where Rin was nervously waiting at the sofa, a glass of water set out on the table where his textbooks initially were (he had stacked them back in his bedroom). His fingers nervously tapped at the page of his book, as he peered over the edge of it to witness the arrival of his boyfriend, and judge his mood. 

The click of the door had him startled, his book falling onto his lap as he tried to ready himself for whatever happened next. Seijuro held a large pizza box in one hand and his bag in the other, his expression being of one Rin concluded wasn’t harmful- yet anyway. 

“Welcome back, Seijuro-san.” Rin cleared his throat, standing up with a forced smile, no teeth on display. 

He grumbled his reply, kicking the door shut behind him as he slipped off his shoes, nudging them out of the entryway. With a stretch, Seijuro settled his things down on the table before slightly narrowing his eyes towards the smaller man. 

“What did you do today?”

It’s okay, calm down. He just wants to know what you did. Rin attempted to quickly ease his mind as he widened his smile, biting his lip momentarily in order wake himself up. “I-I was doing my homework- my book report and I, um ate an apple. Two of them actually.”

Regret filled him to the brim when Seijuro’s hand enclosed over his stomach, pressing it with intensifying pressure. “Yeah, I can tell.”

Involuntarily, tears beaded at the corners of Rin’s eyes as he looked into the depths of the floor where their feet were positioned. He didn’t want to be there. He wanted to be somewhere else. Outside, the bookshop, Gou’s house, somewhere away from here, away from him. Why couldn’t he do anything right? 

“I-I’m sorry,” Rin croaked out, inconspicuously swallowing down the unshed tears screaming to be released. “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry, Seijuro-san. I just- I just get so hungry and-“

“That’s always your excuse,” Seijuro retorted, the intensity of his glare beating Rin down hard enough without the use of physical contact. “Think about me, Rin. Think about what people will fucking say when they see me with you- being all fat and looking like I’m not capable of taking care of you! Stop being so fucking selfish.”

Warning bells rang in Rin’s head as his conscience shrieked at him to run because Seijuro was wrong. He wasn’t making excuses; he was being human, right? Humans get hungry and humans eat, like he does, like he is meant to. Rin wasn’t do anything wrong was he? His eyes slowly looked up to the lightly sneering Seijuro, who gave him an expectant expression. 

Perhaps Seijuro was right, like he always was when it concerned Rin. He always said it was for the best; all of what he did was for him. Seijuro hurt him physically and verbally because he was helping Rin, like he had done those many years when he was the only one there for him. The Seijuro towering over him now was the same Seijuro hugging him close those nights ago, right? 

Rin stepped closer, his hands tickling the nape of his taller boyfriend’s neck since that was as far as he could reach without the aide of his tiptoes and pressed himself into his chest. “I’m sorry Seijuro-san. I’m sorry for always disobeying you, when I shouldn’t. You’re the only one who knows what’s best for me. I’m sorry that I’m not perfect, but- but I just missed you so much today, Seijuro-san. Please, hold me.” 

Please don’t hurt me. Please don’t hate me. Please, just love me. 

The rest of the night was wasted on the cold movements of intimacy occurring between Rin and Seijuro. Every rough kiss, to every harsh thrust had Rin screaming, just for the wrong reasons. He hated all of it. The imagery of it all had him writhing in disgust as he rolled over off the edge of the bed, glancing at his boyfriend with a defeated expression. Despite being the one to initiate the sexual activity, Rin despised every part of it even though he tried to find some sort of enjoyment concealed within it. It all came down to the sensation of his orgasm, which he found that it was something that really didn’t express their love, not in their special case. 

Though the time read past midnight, Rin diligently called his sister until she picked up with a yawn laced greeting. He covered at the newfound marks on his scarred skin as he spoke in a low whisper. 

“Gou, I’m sorry for calling so late, but I-I was thinking that we could meet up after my lecture tomorrow…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I sincerely apologise for not having Sousuke appear and for making poor Rin even more depressed... I'm a bad person but!! if you couldn't tell form the end, then I shall hint that there will definitely be some sourin interaction in the next chapter! PROMISE.
> 
> Also if it wasn't clear, I wanted a child in this fic, so I just made Gou and Kisumi be together so cute baby Hayato could be born! It's a ship that doesn't even have a sail to say the least, hehe :)
> 
> And the ages are quite unclear so I think I'm making Rin like 24-25 years old! And Seijuro is like two or three years older than that. Meh, anyway I hoped you enjoyed that chapter!! :) Bya


	3. Chatper Three - Voice

Chapter Three – Voice

The morning was filled with tense silence that Rin attempted to cover up with a fake array of positivity plastered on his face as he watched his boyfriend eat in a continuous drone. Observing the way his teeth ripped away at the butter-coated toast, capturing it in his mouth as he gulped it down to ease his hunger, his stomach’s requirements to survive. In response to the consummation, Rin nibbled at the raw edges of his fingers, feeling his own body constrict, as his stomach remained hollow, disgruntled at its owner. 

Today was Tuesday, the day where Rin had a lecture at his University and Seijuro arrived home an hour later, which minimised the duration he could spend with his sister but he would have to take what he could get. The shortened time was almost karma playing its role considering Rin wasn’t planning on informing Seijuro of his meeting. Just this once, he thought desperately. Just this once, let him do this. 

Seijuro eyed the smaller man from head to toe, halting to brush at the tender dip of neck with his palm. “Cover this up.”

With a brief nod, Rin peered over at the taller man through his thick eyelashes realising that he was expectantly waiting for something. Reluctantly he leaned into his touch, forcing his lips to stretch over into an upturned crease as he murmured for his boyfriend to have a good day. 

Seijuro rolled his eyes at the lack of physical affection as he captured Rin’s lips into a tight, open-mouth kiss, pressing at the bruises staining his hips causing him to choke back a painful whine. It wasn’t that Rin hated this, he couldn’t, he wasn’t meant to. He should be revelling in the indirect taste of sweetened coffee and butter, begging for more as the taste of his lover danced on his tongue. Rin squeezed his eyes shut tightly. 

When Seijuro left, Rin bit down the sigh of relief clambering its way up from his throat refusing to believe that his own body rejected Seijuro’s affection. Who did he think he was, to disobey the one person who looked after him? Rin was a sick and disgusting person. A glutton; yearning for more when he had it all already gifted to him by Seijuro. His selfish nature was what Seijuro was trying to tackle through the physical and emotional abuse inflicted upon him. All the staining bruises were just attempts for Rin to accept what a bad boy he was. Seijuro was his saviour, like he always said he was. 

So was what he was about to commit such a sin? Would Rin meeting his sister, his own flesh and blood defy Seijuro’s love? 

Choking back a raspy sigh, Rin caught himself in his thoughts and freshened up before leaving for his lecture, mindlessly tapping at his phone almost in expectance. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to converse with his sister, if anything the nerves situated within his stomach knotting themselves together in excitement were proof of his adamant decision to meet her, only the guilt of indirectly lying to Seijuro fought its way in engulfing him to once again reject his own sister. 

The conflicting paths were almost painful to ponder about- and yet he was refraining from the acknowledgment of the protruding option that most appealed to Rin, almost as if it was the immoral one in the situation. 

Despite compelling himself to concentrate on his lecture, Rin found himself frequently checking the time until it had finished. He cluttered up his things, alarming the neighbouring students as he sped out of the University, feeling that the air felt a lot more clearer even though it was just as icy and cold. Ever since he was young, he had always been rather cold blooded, which was only reinforced with the contribution of the low temperature of the atmosphere. Rin shivered within himself, pulling up his scarf tighter as he made his way to his destination, constantly attempting to remind himself that he wasn’t doing anything remotely wrong. 

His cold-tear filled eyes wavered over the welcoming sign that read “Freestyle!!” slightly frowning at the irrelevancy of the choice of titles. Upon entering the café, a chink of a bell sounded Rin’s entrance as an enticing smell of rich coffee beans and fluffy cake wafted amongst the particles of the air. It smelt- nice.   
He settled at a booth, the seat clad in red leather and the menu littered with marine animals. It was assumed that the main theme of the café was the sea, which inexplicably comforted him. 

“Welcome.”

A refreshing, sonorous voice lightly kissed Rin’s eardrums, embracing him in a warm atmosphere. Rin curled his fingers within themselves as he walked his gaze in a ponderous daze over the stranger supporting a lacklustre knot of a black tie. 

Their lips creased into a long smile. “Can I take your order?”

His hair was dark and cropped short, strands flicking out from beneath his ears, which led to the thick cords of his neck that pulsated against the male’s tanned skin. Without self-realisation, Rin found himself staring at the ruffles of the stranger’s white shirt situated at his protruding shoulders, noting that they could have been wide enough to fit one and a half of him- 

“Ah! Um… oh just co-coffee. Black coffee- please,” Rin stammered out in a flush wanting nothing but to disintegrate into the wisps of the air. His ears burned and he latched onto his bottom lip in a wave of embarrassment, brimming with shame at the fact of the stranger catching him staring. To which Rin couldn’t have committed, and even if he had been it couldn’t have been out of an act of interest just perhaps curiosity at the low octave of his voice. His own poor attempt of excuses made him inwardly laugh.

However the waiter watched him, almost studying him under those watchful iridescent eyes that appeared lackadaisical at first glance, but in the current moment they danced with mirth at the presence of the bashful pink haired male. With slightly narrowed eyes, the man with the tie creased in a smirk. “You drink straight up coffee? Heh, can’t say I expected that. I would have thought you’d ask for something a little sweet.”

There were many ways to go about what the stranger had assumed of Rin and yet he found himself with reddened ears and a parted mouth, slightly ajar in disbelief. He gave a deep chuckle, the guttural kind that rattled from your throat for all to hear and that was all it took for Rin to give a little shiver as his eyes hooded over the low beat. It was something about his voice that entranced him into something Rin didn’t quite understand himself, but he knew it wasn’t the moral thing to do in his situation. The thought of Seijuro witnessing the interaction made him wonder how far he would go to show how much he disapproved. 

“I-I uh don’t really… like sweets,” Rin replied quietly, knowing it’d be impolite for him not to reply. They’re fattening.

The waiter pursed his lips together in thought, biting on a black pen to which Rin forced his eyes to trail away from, feeling rather conflicted with the way his heart crashed against his ribcage. He was definitely confused and knew it wrong, but Rin couldn’t relinquish the giddy feeling in his stomach at the sight of the admittedly attractive man. 

“Sousuke! Where are you?” A chirpy voice called out from behind the marble counter. 

A crinkle of Sousuke’s eyes and a sheepish smile made Rin’s throat hitch in surprise. “I’ll be back with your coffee, then.”

Refraining from analysing the newfound crinkles emerging from his shirt as he flexed his muscles during movement, Rin stared down at his trembling fingers instead, wincing at the sight of his scarred lacerations. What was going on with him? 

A euphoric squeal drove his attention to the petite red head practically skipping towards him, her eyes brimming with excitement as she supported a two year old on her hip that gurgled at his surroundings. 

“Onii-chan!” Gou exclaimed as Rin permitted a smile to run across his face and shifted out of the booth out of courtesy. 

One of her arms captured him into a bone-crushing embrace, grinning into his chest as her baby sucked on his pacifier incredulously at the somewhat familiar man beyond him. Rin lightly smiled at his nephew as he returned the hug with an internal whimper of his aged bruises throbbing against the contact. Yet his nerves weren’t as intensified to the physical touch, or so he assumed they weren’t against Gou’s tight grasp. All in all, he could withstand the discomfort for the embrace from his sister. 

“Here Hayato,” Gou motioned towards her big brother. “Look, it’s Rin!”

Hayato batted his wide cerulean eyes at the man, giggling around the dummy as his hands clenched at the air surrounding him. Rin couldn’t help but draw his eyes towards the smaller human, relishing in the way a doting uncle would at the adorable sight of his squirms and rosy cheeks. 

Smiling genuinely, Rin watched his nephew studiously. “He’s so beautiful, Gou.”

Gou blinked twice at the soft tone, grinning in response as a symbol of agreement, lightly squeezing her son to her chest as he shifted on her hip. “Yup- oh Sousuke-kun, hey!”

Immobile, Rin waited until he felt the radiating heat of someone near him, sensing that he possessed a larger presence in terms of height. It was almost overbearing, suffocating, smothering… Sousuke leaned across Rin to settle his dishes on the table, before reaching back up to his initial stance and through it all Rin just remained unmoved. His mind refused to comprehend the riveting emotions burning within his body, ignited from the tall man currently beside him. 

With warm greetings shared, Hayato immediately grabbed at the air revolving Sousuke in implication of wishing to be held by him. Rin watched in perhaps, awe at the scene playing out in front of him. The way Sousuke flexed his bulging arms and tentatively retrieved the little baby pink haired human from Gou’s clutch, fondly interacting at the giggling Hayato, babbling “Sou. Sou.” Rin’s chest tightened at the sight, whether it was out of positivity or negativity he wasn’t sure. 

“Ah Rin, this is Sousuke-kun, Kisumi’s best friend. And Sousuke-kun, this is my elder brother, Rin!”

Kisumi was Gou’s husband and admittedly someone, Rin wasn’t well acquainted with despite being related by law. It was due to Rin’s parting with Seijuro that had left him with broken bonds with his former friends and family- but it was his own fault that such tendency of unfamiliarity was normal around everyone beside Seijuro. He hadn’t deserved the chance of redemption as Rin spent all those years repenting, as Seijuro called it. 

His eyes smiled at Rin as he spoke “Nice to formally meet you, Rin.” 

Rin mumbled a reply, cautious of the tall man in front of him currently holding his nephew. There was no doubt that Sousuke set him on edge, caused him to be a little more attentive to everything and yet throughout those minutes he did absolutely nothing to perturb Rin. So what was this somewhat bout of fear Rin felt towards the man?

As they got settled down Rin’s eyes squinted at the circular, floral plate occupying a heavily decorated cupcake consisting of fluorescent blue and pink swirls of icing. 

“I’m determined to get you liking sweets, Rin,” Sousuke explained, taking notice of his perplexed expression. “So make sure to eat up.”

Huh? Rin looked between the cake and Sousuke, watching them both with vigilant eyes as he anticipated what would happen if Seijuro happened to witness such an interaction. Seijuro was constantly reprimanding him for his eating habits, about how the supposed surplus intake of food fattened him and made him unattractive. So as Seijuro’s boyfriend, Rin wasn’t supposed to be ugly therefore he wouldn’t eat for his sake. 

Yet why was there someone openly offering Rin a heavily calorific meal?

“Sou-chan! Where are you?”

Somewhat satisfied with Rin’s lack of an audible response, Sousuke just smiled, nuzzling Hayato to his chest one last time before handing him to Rin as Gou had taken a trip to the toilets. “As much as I’d like to talk to you, Rin and hold Hayato, I’ve got to get back to work so-“

Panicked, Rin instantly began protesting. “I-I don’t think Hayato would like me-“

At the mentioning of his name, Hayato perked up and gurgled at the being in front of him, outstretching his chubby arms. His wide blue eyes blinked rapidly and Rin reluctantly hooked his hands around the baby, settling him onto his stationary lap. Hayato pouted at the apparent stranger, his eyes washing over a wave a familiarity as he burrowed his head into Rin’s abdomen as a sign of affection. Least to say, Rin almost cried at the overwhelming emotion emitting from the action. 

Noticing the unforeseen reaction, Sousuke crossed his arms in thought. “He seems to like you well enough, don’t you think, Rin?”

Rin. The name was uttered with such lack of ease that it could have been depicted that the pair had known each other their entire lives. Rin just tightened his hold on his nephew as he spoke. 

“It’s been c-complicated… So I haven’t been able to see Hayato much and I um just assumed he’d have forgotten about me…”

Abruptly a large, warm muscle ruffled the roots of Rin’s hair for the shortest of seconds accompanied with a light chuckle. “It’d be difficult to forget a face like yours.”

What was this? Rin thought, his cheeks colouring from the rise of blood. He would have never normally reacted like this, actually conversed with someone like this in such a short time of meeting. However, here in the café was a prime example of how Rin seemed to overcome that by interacting with the waiter. The waiter who insinuated that he wasn’t ugly for the fact of being fat by presenting him with a cupcake dusted in glitter and sugar. Sousuke, the one who had rather warmer hands than the ones he had grown accustomed to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so very sorry for the protruding delay of this chapter, but I literally just finished my exams and sigh here I am  
> and so I also apologise for how crappy this chapter turned out and the awkward ending *sob*   
> anyway expect frequent updates now that I'm free from school for two months! :)


	4. Guilt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *** DISCLAIMER: hints of a panic attack near the end, so feel free to skip if it happens to trigger you!

Chapter Four – Guilt

 

“After work, I’ll pick you up so don’t be late,” Seijuro informed absent-mindedly, taming his scarlet ropes of hair into a somewhat sophisticated presentation. 

Pausing in his washing up routine, Rin asked why as inconspicuously sceptical as possible, raking his mind for something he had done wrong that would cause such an ascetic deadline. 

“We’re going to go out to eat with a few of my colleagues. So wear something nice, okay. Don’t tie up your hair like that, it’s stupid-“

At the mentioning of his hairstyle, Rin clasped the bunch of keratin in his nimble fingers feeling a wave of humiliation as he nodded at Seijuro’s following orders in obedience. The only things to go about within the household were of Seijuros many utmost rules. Rin wouldn’t dare go against him willingly, it would only end with him beaten down physically and emotionally, which was painful to realise when discussing his boyfriend’s persona. 

Chastely kissing Seijuro goodbye to which he returned with vigour, Rin ran his lacerated hand over the hangers supporting a faction of his clothes, plucking more formal attire than he was accustomed to. He left the building complex with his phone pocketed and hair tied back, considering Seijuro wasn’t there to see it and he personally preferred it. After a short train ride and a couple of metres of walking, Rin had made it to the comfortable construction where he worked at. 

Books littered the walls while the aroma of freshly rendered wood hung in the atmosphere, splashing the library with the bright colour of warmth. Rin basked in the enveloping air, breathing it in as he mildly greeted his co-worker, Haru- not that he didn’t provide a lackadaisical response himself. Haru’s blue eyes peered over the novel he was reading, eyeing Rin’s fancy attire before inwardly shrugging, as he actually felt rather indifferent about it after all. The pink hared male walked over to the back room to change into the library’s blue uniformed t-shirt before heading back out to the shop floor. Time carried on normally, customers intruding the quiet afternoon with their wallets while Rin tapped along a bookshelf in close proximity to the till desk. 

“You look really unhealthy, Rin,” Haru mentioned into the thin wisps of air, coating it with sordid words that needn’t be said. 

Had an outsider witnessed the beginning of the conversation, Haru would have been perceived as the compassionate, thoughtful friend that everyone yearned for, however Rin knew that underneath Haru’s stoic demeanour; there was ultimately hidden intentions concealed to the naked eye. It was the clandestine nature of Haru that pulled the pair together as friends, whether either intended for it to happen. 

Rin ran his chipped nailed fingertips over a spine. “And you’re still as blunt as ever, Haru.”

“You’re slouching, have bad eye bags and just look shittier than normal,” Haru continued, deciding to ignore Rin’s comment and turn the page of his current novel. 

A wave of nausea swamped him and Rin gripped the sill of the bookcase for support, gritting his teeth. The introspective look of Haru rendered Rin gulping down for air as he willed for his discomfort to remain unseen for the fact of the questions it would force upon him. Not that Haru was one to exert his limited stamina on things unrelated to swimming or Makoto. 

Sure enough Rin’s few peers were aware of his imperfect life, knew that he wasn’t on best conditions with his family and lived with his boyfriend, currently in the process of completing a degree in English. Just no one knew the extent of how flawed his life was, how unhappy and lifeless he was. How nothing he really was. 

“Thanks Haru,” Rin swallowed, internally excusing himself to the back of the shop, deciding to wring out his shift over there instead. “Anything else?”

Moments before the bookshop met with a close for the night, Haru blinked at the familiarity of the presence, nodding his head toward the overgrown puppy that hopped to him. “Haru-chan! Are you doing well?”

“Makoto, I’m still working,” Haru pointed out despite the lack of customers, hiding the quirk of his lips when he witnessed Makoto’s panicked expression. “I’m doing fine, so drop the –chan already.”

After a short discussion, a tall looming figure penetrated the walls within the bookshop, splattering the air particles with his musk of vanilla and fruity tea as he huffed into his bare hands for an ignition of instant warmth. He stood beside Makoto, clicking his tongue at Haru. 

“Nanase.”

“Yamazaki.”

Makoto yelped. “Come on you two! No more fighting please. It’s bad.”

Even though it had been awhile and the concoction of several voices rendered anyone unable to discern exactly who was talking, Rin could tune his friends out to hear the heavy beats of words rattling from the thick cords of his throat, hear the guttural hitch at the end of his sentences that lightly pecked at Rin’s ears, almost timidly as if teasing him. 

“Ah Rin!”

Makoto’s voice cut through the intensifying bubble of air Rin was building and he stumbled, catching himself before leaning on the ashy wood of the case. “H-hello, Makoto…”

As the trio became a quartet, Rin attempted to hang back from the spotlight. He avoided everyone’s observant gaze and in turn missed out on the knowing looks Makoto and Haru shared with one another, their ability of being able to completely perceive one another’s entire expanse of mind on display. 

“- my roommate Yamazaki Sousuke.” Makoto finished off with his adorable tilt of a flashing smile, his hand roaming around the small of Haru’s back, nestling itself there as if it belonged. 

Rin watched the movement, the snaking of the hands as Makoto’s fingers danced along Haru’s hipbone, imprinting soft circles into it before stroking its way behind. The action was a branch of intimacy and closeness and trust, something Rin didn’t think he had despite the years spent with Seijuro. Or perhaps it differed between couples considering the alterations in their personalities- or maybe you had to have interacted with said person for a hearty amount of time, like Makoto and Haru in order to even be granted a sporadic taste of what either felt. Whatever it was, Rin wanted it. 

“Sorry, what did you say?” Rin apologised sheepishly, ripping his gleaming eyes away from them and toward the floor. 

Beside him, the presence augmented from the eruption of his own voice. “Nanase is going to come over and cook so you should join us, Rin.”

Glancing up at the taller man, Rin clenched his fists out of a nameless emotion as he absorbed the gentle crease of a smile curved into Sousuke’s face. Rin felt the intermittent pace of his heart knock at the doors of his ribcage, breaking down the bones for a moment of abandonment. He couldn’t place under what category this man was to him as their meetings were accountable on the tally of a single hand. But what Rin could distinguish was that what he really felt was different from Haru or Makoto. It was unknown. 

“Um, no I can’t- sorry,” Rin tucked a hair behind his ear, dragging his blunt nails across the bare skin while he suppressed a twitch. “I have plans already so I should- I should get ready…”

Images of Seijuro flashed in his mind as firm reminders of who actually mattered in his life and so Rin inclined his head slightly, flyaway hairs shading his conflicted face while he tripped his way over to the back room. He shoved the skin of his hand into his mouth, piercing but not breaking the skin for a relinquishment of the whirlwind of emotions. The sting released bouts of throbbing adrenaline through his body, providing Rin with a shower of nausea and thrill. 

His head collided with the door and he breathed in the polluted air into his adulterated body, coercing the oxygen into his capillary veins for that awaited breath. Rin’s breathing was short and his vision blurred, dots of darkness painting themselves in his vision. 

The consequences of malnutrition and anxiety bombarded Rin in transverse waves, sending him on a high only to shoot him back down to reality. He licked at his chapped lips, moisturising them as he panted to regain himself. 

The panic itself had probably lasted only a couple of minutes but it felt like Rin was still stuck on that alternating tidal wave, an aftermath of it. Haru had been knocking insistently which had Rin scramble to his trembling legs and knocking knees, pulling the tie from his hair and tug at his knots before he stalked passed him. But not before hearing Haru mutter that he would kindly lock up instead. 

Rin blatantly ignored Sousuke’s and Makoto’s presence as he rushed out to the open air, sucking all the fresh oxygen into his lungs welcoming the cuts of the cold air nipping at his bare flesh. He didn’t want to think about how the ones at the bookshop could be discussing the faults within him. How he stuttered out of nervousness, hurt himself to calm down, looked like a wreck of a human. Rin just wanted to feel better, at peace and at home. 

He waited for a few minutes for Seijuro to arrive, clutching his icy, larger hand in his own as he shivered against the cold. 

“You feeling okay?” Seijuro asked, allowing his colleagues and company to get ahead of them as they remained in front of the bookshop. “You look a little pale.”

Rin shook his head his voice quivering while he shakily squeezed his boyfriend’s hand in sought for comfort. “I just feel a little light headed… a bit tired.”

Seijuro ran his thumb over the marks on Rin’s hand, lightly kissing his temple. “We don’t have to stay for long, okay?”

Nodding in response, the both of them made their way to their destination. Rin didn’t miss the teal eyes that burned through the window at the sight of him with his boyfriend, the intensity of the gaze making him feel the contrite for the thoughts that followed as he nuzzled closer to Seijuro.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> writing this kind of rin is really difficult so i hope i'm doing this poor baby justice


	5. Chapter Five - Friendships

The fateful night that Rin had got back from work while Seijuro had a day off was thickening with tension, the suffocating atmosphere being of one he would have gladly removed himself if not for the gleam in his boyfriend’s eyes that he wanted him there. Immediately a collection of profanities invaded Rin’s mind as he raked it for something- anything he must have done wrong. Did he not wash up properly? Was he back too late? Risking a glance at the living room clock, he was deemed to have arrived at an appropriate time so Rin fisted his hands beside his hips, internally crying and praying that the sticky mood would wash over soon. 

Seijuro stared at the animate television screen; never blinking or if he had been then Rin must have missed it. “You got a call today.”

“Oh,” Rin’s voice shook in echoes, the soft tone of fear reverberating as it hit the inner walls in remembrance that there was no escape. 

With an exasperated sigh, Seijuro rolled his eyes so diligently they could have popped right out of their sockets. “Why the fuck are you always just standing there? Do you need me to tell you what to do all the damn time?” 

“N-no! I just- I’m sorry,” With pumps of anxiety flowing through his veins, Rin robotically dragged himself over to the said destination, noticeably trembling as parked himself on the edge of the sofa, quietly anticipating the next turn of events. 

Had he not been scared out of his mind, Rin would have prompted Seijuro to deliver the running information about the phone call and so as he stared at the coloured screen displaying an array of people at a fancy dinner, Seijuro began to speak.

“Your sister and I had a very interesting conversation, Rin.” Seijuro’s eyes danced over the undulating frame of his smaller boyfriend, almost revelling in the bask of anxious on show because of him. It showcased the extent of control and manipulation he possessed. “She invited us to dinner on Saturday.” 

The palpable mirth in Seijuro’s voice rendered Rin torn between confirming whether Seijuro was happy to attend or if he was merely playing with him and knew everything. The consecutive meetings with his sister that had to remain behind the scenes were now naked to the light of SeiJuro’s eyes and he couldn’t do a thing about it. 

Biting his lip, Rin wavered a smile to forcibly concur with the proposal. Seijruo must have known that he wouldn’t have agreed to it had he not been lying to him for so long and so Rin had to listen to whatever comes to pass because now, he was stuck. Stuck like a fly crashing on the glass of a window, able to see the world just unable to attain it. 

The next day, Rin begrudgingly joined Haru on his trip to “Freestyle”, the café he personally popped in for an occasional visit for the beguiling coffee they served. Anyone would have pegged Rin as a simple caffeine addict and yet it was a lot more complex than that, firstly for the fact that he was starving but he couldn’t eat. He shouldn’t eat for Seijruo’s sake. Rin yearned for Seijuro’s utmost approval because he was the only willing participant who would. 

“Oi Makoto, Nanase’s here so hurry up and get him out of here.”

There was high-pitched grumble. “Sousuke, please! Haru-chan doesn’t mean any harm.”

Haru’s eyes glittered at the sound of his boyfriend and he absently dismissed him. “Sit down, Rin.”

With a low sigh, Rin complied and settled down on the comfy red leather blinking tiredly at the time on his phone. In order to be on the safe side, he would have to return home within the hour so he wouldn’t rile anything up even though his boyfriend didn’t get back until much later. This was because of the consideration of the shaky atmosphere Seijuro and Rin currently lived in. Since despite Seijuro’s unuttered words about Rin’s betrayal, Rin knew that he was dragging out the fact of him being knowledgeable about the subject because of the ownership he held over him. And so as the thing being owned, he had no choice but to obey.

“Drink this.”

Haru slammed down a mug of replenishing liquid, tailed by his towering boyfriend who greeted him cheerfully smiling his adorable closed eyes smile. Rin drank the hot rejuvenating coffee, grimacing at the taste of sugar on his palate. It was likely that Haru had asked for his own personal usual, which for Rin, didn’t consist of the amount of sugar intake. At least he remembered that he didn’t take his coffee with milk.

“Nanase, take your kinky apron shit to your own house. I want to be able to sleep tonight, thanks,” The deep voice rumbled, arriving to the scene. 

Haru didn’t even look back as he snatched Makoto’s hand into his own. “Why don’t you go fuck yourself, Yamazaki?”

“Haru-chan!”

Rin watched the usual banter ignite back and forth, lingering his lethargic gaze on Sousuke. There was no denying that he felt some sort of attraction toward the male, he accepted that but evidently didn’t act upon considering the obvious reason being Seijuro. However Rin loved Seijuro and would never dabbled in any sort of infidelity. He couldn’t for that the fact of morality and fear. And of course, Rin told himself that he loved Seijuro because he had to. 

“Anyway Rin, stop looking all comfortable,” Haru snapped, directing his blue eyes at the victim. “Well hurry and get up.”

The dumbfounded expression plastered on Rin’s face portrayed his confusion to the matter, which in turn made Sousuke crease in a smile as he chuckled softly. “What Nanase means, is that you’re coming out to eat with us.”

During the retort of Haru claiming to have had said just that, Makoto attempted to ease him with a stroke of his finger on the back on Haru’s slender hand. Rin gulped at the witnessed intimacy and shook his head gently, flyaway hairs clouding his sight. “Sorry, but today is really no good-“

“But Rin,” Makoto pouted, allowing Haru to lean into him. “Today we’re going to have a Mario Go Kart championship!”

After all the coaxing and promises of Rin only staying for a mere hour, they were at Sousuke’s and Makoto’s small apartment, each with a controller and a face of competitiveness. The race finished with Sousuke first then Rin, Haru and Makoto ending with a laughable time all the while being dead last. He blamed it on wanting to stick to the apparent speed limit that only seemed to occur in his own head. 

“You’re really good at this Rin,” Sousuke commented, leaning back on the sofa with his left leg crossed over the other. 

On the other side, Rin was crouched into himself wary of the niggling feeling of being in someone’ s home without Seijuro’s permission. It seemed that he was a walking contradiction of claiming to not want to betray Seijuro’s trust and ending up doing just that because he was selfish. 

“I’ve always liked video games… as a kid.”

“Yeah me too.”

Haru clicked his tongue almost disapprovingly, aware of Rin’s restrictions and therefore mentioning his time being spent up. It wasn’t as if Haru actually knew about Seijuro’s concealed nature, just that sometimes Rin would come into work with a limp and marks that weren’t explicable except for the fact of them being inflicted by someone else. So Haru assumed that this was one of the times where when Rin claimed to have to be back at a certain time, and then he had to. 

Upon seeing Rin out, Sousuke leaned against the doorframe smiling as he made small talk. Rin could do this, he thought as the bond of a friendship blossomed between the two of them. Sousuke was kind and caring toward him, fully aware that he had a boyfriend wasn’t a very sociable person and yet he was okay with that. He just seemed to want to interact with Rin, which in turn made him feel rather conflicted because would he have to inform Seijuro of this friendship? 

In the midst of swapping phone numbers with Sousuke, Rin decided that he didn’t have to if this friendship was to remain just that. And it would because it had to and they both understood that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let's just all agree that haru is an emotionless yet sassy character who loves puppy mako and portrays his intermittent friendship with Sousuke through insults and that rin needs a thousand plus hugs and that seijuro is a little bitch
> 
> peace xoxo


	6. Chapter Six

When Saturday night came rolling around, Rin was still contemplating whether or not to look forward to it because on one hand, he’d be able to see his family but so was Seijuro and that still didn’t seem rather plausible in his conflicting mind. His constant gnawing of his fingernails resonated his anxious exterior to the surroundings and yet Seijuro wouldn’t take much notice because what did Rin have to be nervous for? 

Upon knocking on their door and being enthusiastically greeted by Kisumi, Rin hung by Seijuro’s side cautiously, outwardly noting down everything he said. He didn’t want to be publically ridiculed- at the least not in front of his sister. 

“Hello Hayato,” Rin whispered, crouching down as the doting uncle within him cooed at the sight of his nephew. 

Hayato was currently teething, grinding his undeveloped gums on the fluorescent teether that was preoccupied with a fresh coat of saliva. He blinked in recognition, plucking out the appliance toy and holding it out to Rin. “Wrin, Wrin!” 

Deciding to kindly decline the gift, Rin smiled softly at the toddler, picking him up from the rug and settling him on his own lap as he leant on the leg of a nearby sofa. He revelled in the warmth of a tiny human, mindlessly stroking the baby pink hair and taking in the unique baby powder scent that Hayato always carried with him. It was Rin’s favourite smell. 

On the other hand, the living room was occupying his brother-in-law and his boyfriend, both in an animate conversation about something sports related that Rin couldn’t bring himself to care about, only occasionally nodding in agreement or shaking his head in disagreement. He himself was more than content with interacting with Hayato. 

When his sister finally made an appearance, animatedly greeting Seijuro. “Thanks so much for always looking after him!”

In return Seijuro reacted very humble and modest, complimenting the house and how beautiful Hayato was. Hayato just gurgled at the mentioning of his name, sniffing as he sang a popular cartoon theme song that Rin laughed at. Grabbing hold of his small pudgy hands, Rin clapped along with him the both of them giggling out their joy. Hearing Seijuro’s deep laughter, Rin glanced at him witnessing how well he was conversing with his family and how much they must have liked his company, maybe even preferred it to his own. The thought made him bitterly chuckle. It wasn’t as if he was putting himself out there, actively talking to them to ignite a conversation. He was sitting away from them, with his nephew who all but giggled at anything, innocent to everything. 

“You’re the only one who couldn’t hurt me, huh?” Rin talked aloud, the sentence only audible to his nephew’s ears that didn’t know any better but to laugh. 

He was being unreasonable, like usual. Rin shouldn’t be expecting things from the family he ignored or from the boyfriend that he always seemed to make angry. He just couldn’t do much of anything but embrace the little human in his arms since Hayato didn’t know how to perceive him the way everyone else did. Useless and pathetic. 

Hayato abruptly jumped in his lap, releasing a strum of continuous giggles that Rin couldn’t help but tear away from his depressing pensive state and assure everyone else in the room that he was fine. Removing the culprit from his pocket, Rin unlocked his former vibrating phone to see that he had a text message from Sousuke. It dawned on him that he probably shouldn’t be talking to him, especially with being in the same room with Seijuro. He still couldn’t dismiss that niggling feelings of contrite. 

Hey Rin. How are you doing? :) 

Even though it was a mediocre, mandatory text that was almost vital in starting a conversation, Rin couldn’t help but smile a little, his sharp incisors coming on display to which Hayato found rather intriguing and attempted to touch. Then his attention averted to the flashing technical piece of metal in Rin’s hand, slapping his hand on it as if it were his own. Rin shook his head in amusement as Hayato thrilled over the phone, an idea popping to his head and he tapped the camera function, selecting the frontal view. Hayato pursed his lips at the mirroring screen, pulling an adorable face as Rin smiled along with him snapping a picture. Without a second thought, he sent the image to Sousuke atop the caption: 

“We’re both doing great :)”

Realising what he had done, a light flush washed over him bringing about a flutter within his stomach as he gulped, alarmingly glancing towards Seijuro who was busying himself in a conversation with Kisumi. The both of them seemed to get along a lot better than Rin could ever. During that, Gou had arrived plopping herself next to her big brother as her son crawled over to her, nestling beneath her breasts. Rin inconspicuously slipped his phone back into his pocket. 

“Hayato really loves you, Onii-chan,” Gou pointed out, noticing how despite he rested on his mother he still yearned to play with his uncle. “He always has.”

Rin smiled, shifting in his seat as numbness weighted in his outstretched legs. “Yeah, I love him too.”

“Y’know Kisumi and I were thinking that we should send Hayato to swimming classes- and Seijuro-kun said his workplace takes in kids.”

“Oh right…” Rin’s voice hollowed out, the motion of playing with Hayato taking a sudden halt as his throat scratched like the texture of sandpaper. 

The image of Seijuro playing with Hayato didn’t sit right with him and he hated himself for thinking like that. Right now, at the current moment Seijuro was being the most perfect boyfriend he could ask for. He wasn’t being rude or obnoxious; he was being nice and attentive in his family’s home because that’s what partners do for each other. They care for one another. Like Rin cares for Seijuro and how-

Another set of vibrations erupted in Rin’s pocket and he swallowed, biting down hard on lip as he shook his head slightly to himself. He was fine with where he was, happy with Seijuro, right?

After they had sat down at the dining table for dinner kindly prepared by Kisumi considering Gou still couldn’t cook anything except toast, they were all sat in the living room when Hayato eventually fell asleep causing Rin and Gou to go up together to put him to bed. During the last light ruffle of his nephew’s hair, he felt himself once again freeze up at what his little sister said to him. 

“I never blamed you for dad’s death, y’know.”

A burst of emotions dried up the cold sweat Rin felt as he let out a deep breath, not knowing the logical way of how to escape from the situation without doing any harm. Without being able to hold onto his sanity, his dark thoughts that were his and his to keep. 

“Liar.” 

Rin’s voice echoed throughout the room. 

“What do you mean, onii-chan?” Gou’s voice was troubled and her vulnerable, younger self was on show but Rin didn’t feel it in him to console her any longer. “I never meant to- to make you upset! I- I didn’t want you to go!”

Her voice remained quiet for the sleeping presence of her son, but her rattling sobbing voice spoke octaves in Rin’s mind. But what about his feelings? His tears? Didn’t they mean anything? 

“I didn’t want to go either…” Rin’s voice shook, his eyes burning hot. “All I wanted was to have my family- the family I had left with me… but you weren’t there for me. I was sad too, Gou. I lost my dad as well.”

Gou’s tears shone against the crack of the door’s light illuminating the room with its reminder of who was downstairs. She moved to him, resting her head against his chest as she cried silently but Rin felt sad too. So why wasn’t anyone wanting to comfort him? 

Gulping, he shook away his thoughts and hugged his little sister as she apologised but he didn’t say much in reply. He was her big brother, so he had to strong and take care of her like his parents always told him but sometimes, he wanted to be taken care of too. 

Gou quickly cleared herself up, checking to see if Hayato had stirred during that crying fest. After she was done, she looked at Rin and smiled as if everything was better and good. So Rin put up a similar front because at least one of them would be content with whatever happened, as if they were just going to close the door on the hell Rin had been through because he was the one who didn’t have his family- he was Seijuro’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't even know any more but im having fun (confirmed sadist) writing depressed rin- i mean i dont want this story to be like rin finds real true love in sousuke because he has to get past the fact that seijuro has been there for him and whatnot but he's not happy and he wants to be happy and yeah well he is finding that in sousuke hashtag sourin :)
> 
> ANYWAY THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE SUPPORT I HOPE WHOEVER IS READING THIS IS ENJOYING IT

**Author's Note:**

> ah well I hope you liked that! hopefully next time, my chapters will be longer but whatever i'm so sorry rin baby i love you really


End file.
